It happens again...

I found some flirty email conversations between my husband and his co-worker. I confront him and intially he lies, gets defensive, and finally agrees that it was poor judgement. He says there was no emotional or physical connection/ attraction. Why would one flirt with out any physical attraction. He did not want me to read the other conversations and promised to stop everything at once and deleted all the converstaions. How long would this have continued if i have'nt found the emails? How deep would the relationship delved? How do i move forward? Knowing me, i can never forget this. I can never get over the fact that he broke my trust again. I am still in recovey phase and am already depressed. I dont have the strength to fight the urge to give up and die.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

I have been meaning to write for so long...however some fear has been witholding me from doing so...i have not been happy...i keep constantly telling myself that its all in my head...but no...not at all...its the husband who pushes me from the edge all the time. what ever i do...how much ever i do...he is never satisfied...he always has to blame me...i will always fall short in his expectations...and he has to generalize...how can i trust this person...how can i even expect to have a kid with this person...i dont want to live...i dont have the desire to live...i dont have hope in this relation ship...i dont see it becoming any easier on either of us...he has to analyze my every move...every expression...i feel suffocated in this relationship...why dont i have the strength to be myself ...be strong...and deal with this.

Another day...

Just another day...been ok to good
work is confusing...i have been moved to a completely different field which i dont have any background experience in. And it is not much of a brainy job as well. When i tell people about the move or rather forced move...some people congratulate on the move and commend me for making a great decision...are they just being nice? some people down right show their shock for being moved and accepting it. What am i to do...i am usually the person who just accepts life...who doesnt fight ...or am i not? i internally fight? i keep swaying? at times i feel may be its for my own good...i can ease off with this job and start plannign about the family...at times i feel i am being mis treated and i should just look else where and move on. I am moe angry that they just moved me without my concern than the job itself...am totally confused. things were okish at home or atleast the moods stayed okish...whenever the husband talks about his family...i am upset...why? is it his tone? atleast today its his bragging tone...or am i imagining things? is it just in my head? i should give it a little rest before i strat using my mouth ...especially the thought that his family never acknowledges the efforts i put in buying and sending gifts to them...i want to bring that up with the husband...but am scared to ruin the good thing thats going on...but thats bothering  my on the inside...i think what irritates me most is the fact that he thinks they are perfect...he cannot see their flaws or atleast pretends to not see them is what bothers me most...i should just be able to ignore that rite? why cnanot i?

So...

So...i come back to the US...a day or two before i was leaving i get a forwarded email from my boss which has a reorg chart and guess what...i am moved to a department which i dont have a clue about and am reporting to a new boss...am all confused and for some reason had a good to nice feeling about it...i was not like really happy with the now ex boss...however..i dont feel like it now...am confused about my career...should i take this as a challenge and see if this fits my bill or start looking for a new job...is it a good time...should i seek advise? did i spell that right? one concern is that is this a lower grade job? should that really concern me as long as i like the job am doing and am being paid? is it the pride that i wear on my sleeve about working in a field that i believe in and not the usual?...well...and the bitch in me was back yesterday...what happened to all the pep talk i have given myself? what happens to all the be good do goodness once i am with the dh?

Wow...Life

life amazes me...i am so emotional these days...i am ready to cry at the drop of my hat...i had a wonderful time with my dad...we spoke for hours...about random things...felt really good...why cannot i be this smae person around the husband also...the husband for some reason brings out the bad in me...and i think i help him do it too..i should try to be fear less and myself as dad said and make everything better...i know i can...i have a good feeling about it...i just should remind myself what family values are and what they mean to evreyone...i dont have to be least bit insecure about the husband...i just have to life...rather than make life miserable for myself...please give me the strength to be myself...feels like i have figured out everything...this phase keep coming...but i pray this stays...let me implement it...let me be good and live

Am i complicated or what!

So...India vacation is going well...i mean really well...i dont want to go back now...i feel guilty that i am leaving my parents and all other juts for being lonely and crappy..i love it now...but am not sure if i can handle and be the same for a longer period of time...especially with the husband..he is a different being when he is around his parents..or for that matter just being in India...or may be its just in my head...can i move back for good...i have been asking myself...what reasons do i have to stay back in us..why cannot i move back to India..why shouldn't I? why shouldn't we? hmmm...and theres this gut wrenching pain thats been bothering me...what can i do to make things better around...am i being a good daughter...can i be a good daughter and good wife at the same time...i dont know if this is true...but this is all i can come up with...i feel envious (?) that my inlaws have a better place than my parents...better car than my parents...i feel my father and mother deserve better than them or anyone else...i pray that my dear brother settles really well and soon...i am going to send some money to daddy as i can...will get him a better car...will see to it that they visit me and i visit them often...and why cannot i be the same with the inlaws...i am actually ok when the husband is not around...why cannot the husband understand and make it simpler and easier...why does he have to fiddle and ruin our relation...and why do i have a problem with people he like and am ok with the people he doesn't like..i dont think its everyone...its just couple of people...i dont think i would have liked them either way also...but why cant i let go and be normal for the couple of hours they are around...is it because i dont want my husband to be happy?...i dont get it...i want him to be all mine...or may be not...am i insecure about him? can i talk about this to anyone else without being judged..why am i scared to open up...scared because i was made fun of...because i saw and heard ppl back bite..why cannot i have what i want with dh...i know i can ...its easier than i think...but i hold back..i am scared that it makes me vulnerable...or they will take advantage of me and my family...i mean who do i consider they..my husband?...am i being true to myself, the husband, and this marriage? why cannot i? what should i do to be the person everyone wants me to be and the one i want to be myself?

Why is life so complicated?

does life get complicated as we grow older or do we make it complicated in our head? why cannot i make it easy? i have a loving family, a loving husband, and what every other one calls a decent life. then why am i unhappy...i make things up in my head if there is nothing to feel sad about. i have an older brother who hasn't settled very well yet. i worry about him constantly...i keep going over the scenario where he settled really well and how different life would have been...or how if i married a different person, my life would have been different...or how if i made some other decisions my life would have been...i constantly look for reasons to feel sorry for myself. i constantly pray for things to go my way...i live in the states and my parents live in india...i constantly worry about their welfare. daddy has been retired for over 5 years now...i worry about their monetary help...i want to get them a better car, a better house...but i cannot make the commitment...that worries me..we are trying to get pregnant for over 6 to 8 months now and that's not working out either...i had some really bad experiences with inlaws...and i cannot get over those and be normal/ good with them... i play evertyhing in my head...on how to be normal with them and make life simpler...but for some reason i cannot get my head to act on them...i feel as if they are either going to look down upon me or my ego/ self respect is going to take a beating...i am sure its not that way...but still i cannot take that step..its seems so simple...i can see someone doing it so easily...i can see myself doing it with others easily...but not with them...its like i want them to be hurt or my husband to be hurt...i am scared if i start being good they will take advantage of me...every day i keep telling my self things are going to change with the brother and everything will be good...but nothing is changing...i worry if he has it in him to make things better...i dont know if i can call anyone friends...i usually sit in the mould they want me to...am scared to be open with them because i am scared that they will judge me...or talk behind my back... do i do that? is that the reason i am scared myself? i have created this blog to just type all the ramblings that go on in my head...in my heart i know i cna make things simpler and easier...however my head doesnot let me proceed...or is it the other way...my head knows buy my heart restrains...i am in india now (visiting) and am so worried about the living conditions...i am sure people who are actually living do not feel that way...there is trash all over the roads...no one seems to care... i want to do anything/ something...again i dont know if i have it in me to do it...i was not this always...something should have happend/ changed along the way to make me the person i am now...i am totally insecure...why?...i was the person who could look past the usual things in a human and just be...not any more...what changed...why cannot i get back to being my old self? i am constantly asking questions and looking for answers...when will my brother settle down?...how is our life going to be in couple of years?...am i going to be a mother? ...i know only time can answer these questions...i have been waiting...how long should one wait...with al the insecurities i express myself as a different person to the husband...which hurts him and me as well. Yesterday, my mom's friend came over...we were taling about my visit to inlaws place and she put in such simple words...she says every relation is that way...all you have to do it ignore and move on...they themselves are insecure so they act in way to secure their superior position...i head went yes yes i know that...but why cannot i act it out...it sounded so simple...my really bitchy friend also said that's super simple you should do that...i am going to their place in couple og hours...hope i can keep my cool and pretend to be the person i should and am supposed to be...there is this insecurity that hold me back...the feeling that once i am being good with them...they will take advange of me and my family...that my husband will push me more to do other things as well...that they will humiliate me...or that i will not be true to my parents anymore...they will think or take it for granted that they are more important to me than my parents...these are all the thoughts that go on in my head...i will try to make the effort to be good today...ask her out for shopping...and try to talk random things...hope i can keep up...my friend suggested i should promise myself a treat and just play things out...i will try and please wish me all the luck that i can do it and feel that its ok to give in.